Seasons of Life and the Duality of Grief

The Paradox of Parental Success

If our job as parents is to raise our children to become independent, productive adults, why does it hurt so much when they leave home? Why do we cry and grieve when all along our goal was preparing them for adulthood? After all, do any of us want our children living in our proverbial basement when they are forty? No, we want them to move out, get a higher education, go to work, and support themselves. If this is true, then why is it so dang hard when it happens?

Mixed Emotions

I have talked to many moms about this phenomenon. It doesn’t seem to matter if the child is moving down the street or across the world, the feelings of grief and loss are the same. But there is also a flip side to that coin. And the flip side is joy. Our souls are joyful that our child is becoming his own person. That he has the skills to move out and be independent. To feel both joy and grief at the same time is confusing to both us and to our children.

Personal Reflections

I remember dropping my son off at the airport as he was moving across the world, and as tears streamed down my face, he turned to me and said, “Mom don’t be sad.” My reply was, “I’m not sad, I am happy for you and so very proud of you.” I don’t know how convincing I was, but I was trying to articulate some of how I felt. I was happy for him. I was proud of him. But I was sad for me—and that felt selfish so I denied it.

Embracing Change

When a child leaves home we experience grief because a season of our lives has ended. But when one season ends, another begins. A new life opens up for our child. It is normal to be sad and to grieve. But don’t let your grief and sadness stop your child from being all he is meant to be.

Unspoken Realities

Probably the most frustrating part of all of this is that no one warns you that it’s coming. When you have small children people tell you that it gets easier. They lie. Nothing about children growing up and leaving home is easy. Every stage is hard (and rewarding), but the decisions later in life have more consequences. I remember my daughter agonizing about her homecoming dress in high school. Now she is making decisions about who she will marry. Which is more important? At the time, she felt like the homecoming dress decision was almost life and death, now her decisions are crucial.

Looking Forward

If you haven’t had a child leave home let me be the first to tell you that it is hard. But the joy that comes with it overshadows the sadness. Embrace sorrow so you can embrace joy. It is so worth it!